Now they do!
These “instructions” are based on the wisdom, insight and research of Dr. Emmi Pikler and infant specialist, Magda Gerber, who brought the Hungarian pediatrician’s brilliant ideas to the US. But we take full responsibility. Implement only what resonates with you!
- Handle with care. And love.
”Hands constitute the infant’s first connection to the world. Hands pick her up, lay her down, wash and dress her. What a different picture of the world an infant receives when quiet, patient, careful yet secure and resolute hands take care of her. How different the world seems when these hands are impatient, rough or hasty, unquiet and nervous.” – Dr. Emmi Pikler - Move slowly.
As if moving through honey, as RIE® Associate Hari Grebler says. “One generally finds that infants are the most content and cheerful in the hands of mothers who move with ceremonious slowness.” – Dr. Emmi Pikler - Treat your baby like the person she is.
When you’re going to pick her up, do so from the front, not from behind. Reach your arms out and say, “I’m going to pick you up now.” Meet her gaze. Give her a few seconds to take in your gesture. - Tell her what you’re going to do before you do it.
“I’m going to change your diaper. First I’ll take off your pants…”. - Ask for her cooperation so that you’re doing things with, not to her.
“I’m going to put on your sock. Can you give me your foot?” True, she won’t understand you now, but keep it up and soon she will. - Perhaps most important: Find ways to enjoy her.
Pause to smile and talk to her during the diaper change. Follow her gaze and join in what she sees as you dress her. “You see a branch out the window.” Do the same when bathing, dressing, feeding, putting to sleep. Yes, you have a task to get through, but that is secondary. See these intimate times as your quality time, your special time together, your time to connect with your baby. Take it slowly. Focus. Leave your phone in the other room. - Let her have her feelings.
If she’s crying, and you’ve checked that she’s not tired, hungry, cold, hot, startled by something or just wants to rest in your arms, see if you can hold her and be with her as she releases her sadness. This is easier said than done and easier to do if you have places to release yours. If you’re feeling too sad, get some help/support. - Your baby needs time alone too.
In the morning, after she’s been changed, fed and gently burped, tell her you’re going to lay her down, put her in her bassinet or crib or on a blanket on the rug and if you can, sit by her and just watch her be herself. At first it won’t look like she’s doing anything. But all the world with its sights, sounds, feelings, is new to her. She needs time to just be and to integrate this new world she’s come into. Resist the urge to stimulate or entertain her. The world—especially if you are outdoors — which is the best place to be with your baby – is stimulating enough. - What toys?
When she starts to grab at her blanket or shirt, it’s time to provide her with a couple of objects during this “playtime.” A cloth napkin is the best second toy. The first is her hands. Peak the napkin and place it next to her and see what happens. It may take her days or weeks to find it. Another good first toy is a graspable rubber teething ring or rattle. - Sleep.
You probably want some instructions about sleep. Sleep can be complicated for infants and their parents. We would only say be very gentle during the first three months and try to give them what you think they need. Then gradually wean them from your help, be it rocking or nursing. Establish a bed time routine — e.g. bath, breast or bottle, good night to any other family members and a lullaby—and put them to bed awake. Hang out a bit and try to soothe her as she finds her way to sleep. If there’s a hurdle you can’t figure out, try looking at Compassionate Sleep Solutions or these suggestions from RIE Associate Janet Lansbury. - Allow her to develop naturally.
Trust your baby to develop at her own pace according to her own timetable. A healthy baby in a nurturing environment will turn over, crawl, sit, stand and walk when she is ready to. “Help” from you in any of these areas is unnecessary and deprives your baby of the joy of getting there herself. - And to play freely.
And trust that she is the master of her play. She doesn’t need your help here, either. Provide a safe space and a few interesting objects to explore. She’ll do the rest!
– Ruth Mason, RIE Associate
Beautiful!